Wrestling for a consensus

Ok, so last week, I did a half ass job trying to express myself… apologies aside, this seems to be a recurring problem. She and I are constantly struggling to come to an agreement on my exercise routine. She usually wins – but that’s just because she’s bigger…in wrestling, we wouldn’t be in the same weight class. That being said, I decided to take a tally of this week’s persuasion techniques
Monday, round 1. I find that things work best between us when we have a routine (although I can already tell she disagrees with this). If I get my wrestling practice and a walk, on time, every day, I can pass for the star student of any obedience class. When she feels she has “better” things to do and leaves me to devise my own means of entertainment, that’s when things get ugly and I morph into a walking shredder of all her favorite belongings. Saturday was one of those days; I went for the address book (who has address books nowadays anyways?!), and she’s been a model parent since. P 1- J 0.
Tuesday, round 2. So she’s been taking me to wrestling practice every afternoon. It’s a beautiful field with a fence around it, and although its on the small side, boy do I run, and wrestle, and run again, play tug, chase, wrestle, drink, run, drink, collapse…well, actually no, and I think that might be the problem. We stay there for an hour every night after work, and I just can’t seem to get enough. Communication problem once again. I try to casually sit on the grass and entertain myself with a stick, I move it around if someone tries to somehow entice me into a game of tug. To me, the message is clear. I’m wiped out, I need to rest, I’m hungry – I can’t decently settle down for a nap or turn down an invitation to play while I’m still on the field, and I never can seem to find the ref to signal for a sub. The problem is, she’s got the power. And she’s always dragging me out just as I’m about to come out on top…or she waits long after I’m pooped and my stats are suffering. When she’s ready to leave, we’re out of there! Tuesday, I was about to body slam a heavyweight champion, and out of nowhere, she straps me into that contraption that I once heard a human call the umbilical cord between her and me. Umbilical cord my ass. It’s a proper torture device! P 1 - J 0.5 (half point taken off for illegal use of torture).
Wednesday, round 3. On the field, at the beach and on the hill, I am free of that device though. As she explained to me, it is for my safety, and I have earned the privilege of romping without it because I follow directions (sometimes). As far as I’m concerned, we should discard it for the streets too, but when I tried to suggest that on our way to work, she brought up that one time I broke loose and didn’t quite make it safely across the street. I’m fine now, aren’t I? Well, true, I’m not the one paying for the medical bills. P 2 - J 1.5 (Hey, I’m the one that got hurt, so I get a pity point).
Thursday, round 4. Seriously, being free is what’s up! She’s not super athletic to say the least, and, well, I need to run. I’ve noticed that not all my buddies are as lucky. Some of them stay tied up for their whole walk; others have their mouths tied shut - I’m not sure what that’s about, because when I do manage to free them, they seem to be quite succinct in communicating their anger. Over the few months that I’ve been free myself (I used to be locked up before I met her), I’ve taken it upon myself to try and spread the freedom. If they’re tied up, I manage to get tangled so their person has to let go, and we can run off together. With the mouth thing, it gets a little complicated, because I have to get close enough to bite the thing off, but I’m particularly proud of one instance when I freed the same friend 5 times in one walk! That must be some kind of record. She gently scolds me because the other humans get her in trouble, but I know she’s proud of me for standing up for what we both believe in! P 3 – J 2.5 (She’s a co conspirator in this to say the least).
Friday, round 5. Instead of going to the enclosed field this morning, we went for the view. There were no electronics between us, the day was off to a good start. We both got a good work out, especially when she had to follow me, running, when I opted for the road less traveled down the hill. She let me stay later than usual when we finally ran into my buddy Jasper – his people don’t tie him up either. When it really is getting too late, and we don’t want everyone at work to find out what slackers we are, she calls me. In my defense, I had Jasper in this new headlock I’ve been working on…well, I don’t hear her, and she’s able to catch me, and she ties me up in front of my friend. Being the opportunist that he is, he body slammed me and ran away before I could show him who’s boss. P 3…J 3.5…
That same human that told her the bull%!&$ about the umbilical cord has her thinking that if she ever lets me win, I’ll be top dog – I’m doomed.